


Down the waterfall

by Liviapenn



Category: Stargate: Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Gen, Post Episode: s03e09 Phantoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-02
Updated: 2006-10-02
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liviapenn/pseuds/Liviapenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Night came on sooner than John had expected, and the Daedalus was still hours away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down the waterfall

Night came on sooner than John had expected, and the Daedalus was still hours away. It was warmer in the cave, so they moved Kagan inside and tucked blankets around him. Carson looked hollow-eyed, shaky, and John leaned on him till he finally agreed to get some shuteye. Ronon and Rodney could keep an eye on the kid for a while, and if something happened, there probably wouldn't be anything Carson could do about it. John didn't say that. "If something happens, they can wake you, okay?" was what he said.

He left the cave and stepped out into the dark, his eyes adjusting slowly to the moonlit clearing. The trees all around cast black shadows that wiped out everything in their path, like big slices of the world were just gone, but outside of that he could see well enough to get across the clearing to Teyla. She was sitting on the ground, leaning against a mossy boulder, her bandaged leg sticking out in front of her. Her P90 was propped up within easy reach. John came over and sat down on her other side, not too close. "How's the leg?"

"It will be all right." She sounded tired, but okay. "Carson is resting?"

"Yeah." John pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. It wasn't cold. He could probably even take his vest off, if he wanted to sleep for a while. He didn't, though. It would probably be good for Teyla to get some rest, but he wasn't going to sleep tonight.

Even the desert had been colder than this. They'd found a little hollow sheltered by a dune and curled up there, waiting for morning. He'd put his arm around Holland gingerly. John was always warm, was used to other people being colder, but Holland had been too cold, and John didn't know what to do. Nothing he _could_ do. Holland's arm had come down slowly, like he was going to push John away, say something funny-- "I'm not that desperate yet, Sheppard"-- something like that. Holland's hand had closed slowly around John's wrist, and held on tight. His hand was cold.

It was colder when John woke up the next morning.

"John," Teyla said, and John jerked his head up.

"I wasn't sleeping."

Teyla nodded. "Tell me something about Captain Holland."

John looked away, swallowing hard. He'd given Rodney the MRE he'd brought in his own pack, and now he kind of wished he hadn't. He felt hollow, drifting. "I fell asleep, and when I woke up he was dead."

He'd visited Holland's parents and his wife, been sent to the headshrinkers at Bagram and McMurdo, but this was the first time he'd said it out loud. He was struck with a sudden sense of the distance between his life then and his life now, the incomprehensible emptiness between galaxies. You couldn't even see the Milky Way from Pegasus, except as a little smudge in the night sky sometimes, if you were on a planet out near the edge. He didn't know if they were near the edge now. "It didn't mean anything. I couldn't... I wasn't even there for him at the end."

"He knew that you came for him," Teyla said, sounding taken aback. "He did not die alone. I am sure it meant something to him. It would to me."

"Don't," John said. "God, just don't." If there was anything he didn't want to hear right now-- by the way, Colonel, if I'm ever lost, alone, dying? Maybe you could see your way to fucking up a total botch of a rescue. Lay down next to me while I bleed out, it would really _mean_ something to me-- Christ, if Leonard's aim had been better, it could've been today. It could've been Teyla just that easily, pale and so still, not even shivering any more. Slipping away.

Teyla didn't say anything else, not for a long while, and finally John sighed and shifted so that the bumpy rock he was leaning against could poke him in a couple of different spots. He bumped his shoulder against hers, and she turned to glance at him, her face shadowed.

"He was a funny guy," John said, staring out at nothing, at the bits of the world that still existed in between the shadows. "A real smartass. Everyone always thought we were two of a kind, but I never knew why we... We didn't get along a lot of the time. I don't even know why we were friends. Like maybe we were too much alike to really..." He shook his head. "I don't know."

"But he was funny," she said. "He made you laugh."

"Yeah," John said roughly. "Even after Mitch and Dex died, and..." You remember Mitch and Dex, he wanted to say. But she hadn't ever met them, not really. "You've had to put up with a lot of my ghosts."

"My people believe..." Teyla said, but the pause stretched out and she didn't finish. John shifted a little, turning towards her, just to show that he was listening. Teyla glanced at him and shrugged one shoulder. "I do not know what I believe," she said, her voice quiet. "But I _know_ that we live on in our actions, in the choices we make and the things we do. And in the memories we leave behind, with those who cared for us. I think... I think this is what truly matters."

John nodded. "Well, you did good today," he said, nudging her with an elbow. Teyla half-smiled, tipping her head back against the boulder. "I'd put you up for a commendation, but your file is getting kinda full of those, you're probably bored with it."

"Commendation? When do I get a promotion?" she asked, just the right note of impatience in her voice, and John laughed so loudly he was sure they'd be able to hear him back in the cave.

"Cut it out," he said, elbowing her again, and Teyla smiled, letting John push her off-balance. When she leaned back again, she scooted closer to John, resting her head on his shoulder. More than anything else, it came close to pushing John over the edge, made him want to turn and pull her into his arms, against his chest. Just to feel her heart. Just to hear her breathe. He closed his eyes instead, shifting to rest his cheek against the top of Teyla's head. Her hair smelled like pine needles. Probably because they'd both been rolling around in pine needles all day. He sighed.

"Rest, John," Teyla said, her voice muffled by his jacket.

"I just..." John began, and Teyla reached over and took his wrist. She squeezed hard and John shuddered, letting out a breath that felt like it had been wrung out of him.

"Rest," she said.

John swallowed. Teyla's fingers were tucked, just slightly, under the elastic cuff of his jacket. Her hand was strong and warm. She didn't let go.

He settled back a little, shifting his body against hers, getting comfortable.

After a while, he slept.


End file.
